Marriage Fundas: Part 2

Funda #2: Selecting the Groom / Bride

Most Indian readers would have at least a macroscopic understanding of the selection process of a prospective spouse. For the rest .. to put it in simple words, the system is so complex, that even Einstein would have a difficult time understanding the finer nuances of the process.

The first criteria being race. First comes religion , next comes caste, then sub-caste, sect, sub-sect and so on. The average guy on the street would know only of one caste called Brahmins, but no – there’s more to it than just that. Among Tam-Brahms, there are Iyers, Iyengaars, and then these are further divided into numerous sects and sub-sects … Each one is supposed to have its own beleifs and traditions, and worships only certain Gods. Judjing purely by the previous sentence, the reader would be inclined to beleive these folks to be a bunch of illeterates. On the contrary, Tam-Brahms are known to be a “highly educated” lot, occupying good positions in the Government as well as the corporate world. Yet the dogma prevails.

An Iyer marrying an Iyengaar is considered taboo … Even among Iyers and Iyengaars, there are sub-groups … Vadagalai, Thegalai et. al, and obviously a member of one group marrying another is frowned upon in “Tam-Brahm Society” … You can well imagine the riot that would ensue at a Tam-brahm home, if a guy or girl declares that he / she wishes to marry someone from outside the Tam-Brahm community.

A common way to locate a groom / bride would be to place an ad in the newspaper, or on some website like Shaadi.com. A typical ad would read something like this:

US based girls only for fair, handsome, vegetarian, US citizen, 29, Iyer, vathulam, krithika, VP, wall street firm (NY). Response invited from cultured, broad minded families. E-mail: xyz@gmail.com

The ad speaks volumes about the broad-mindedness of the person that posted it – Most probably some bird-brained aunt, who considers herself the world’s de-facto expert on the selection process. She would usually rave and rant about the selecting the perfect partner from the deluge of responses to the ad. A typical harangue would sound like –

“ We should salect wonnnly ye homely, gaad-fearing Vadama girl / Baay, Yemm Yess in Computer Science from XYZ University, USA, Yemployed with either a Bay-Area tech-firm or a Wall-Street bank, and drawing a six-digit salary… And last but not the least, a horoscope matching on all ten parameters.”

Not even one of these criteria should be compromised on, lest the so-called “esteemed high-class society of relatives should pass any gossip about the family” …..

The surprising thing here is, that the prospective brides and grooms meekly give in to all this unreasonable rubbish … even though they’re well-educated and sensible people ….

Will things ever change ?

Marriage fundas – Part 1

This is a series of posts that are being published for the following reasons:

1. A close friend’s recent experiences (obviously not pleasant ones).
2. Reading this blog post by a fellow blogger .
3. I am pissed at the “system”.

Funda #1: Age
Parents (especially the more “conservative” and “traditional” lot) do not seem to like their kids being independent – at least when it comes to choosing a life partner. They will insist, nay .. be hell-bent upon getting their son/daughter getting married off to someone of their choice. This is especially true in case of girls, who are supposed to be married “off” ( just curious .. is there a married “on” as well ?) as soon as they “come of age”.

Typical dialogue @ a Tam-brahm household ..

Parents: “Vayasu eyrinde pogarathu … chat-putt-nu unakku oru kalyanam panni-aaganum” .. (Roughly translated, it means … You’re getting older .. we need to get you married off quick ! )

Daughter: “Illai amma, nekku ippo MS padikkanum .. apparam PhD pannanum .. athuku aparama kalyanam pannikarein”
(No mom, I want to study for MS now .. then PhD .. will think about marriage thereafter)

Parents: “Kalyanathukku-apparam padippu-ku othukara mapillai-a thedarein … Nee muthala kalyanam panniko .. apparam PhD, MBA, MCA .. enna venna pannu ….. venum-na US-mappilai-a thedarein”

(U can study after marriage. We’ll look out for a boy who agrees to that … First get married, then you can do PhD, MBA, MCA .. wateva you want)

The argument continues …. until one of the two sides gives in ….

Coming up next .. Funda #2: Religion / caste / sub-caste / sect / Sub-sect …

Until then …. stay tuned …

Introverts are a despised lot ….

introvert

n : (psychology) a person who tends to shrink from social contacts and to become preoccupied with their own thoughts [ant: extrovert]

This post is a result of a weird phenomenon that occurs each day, unfailingly. There’s this colleague, who keeps popping into my cubicle, uninvited … about thrice a day … at random instances in time. Now his visits bear no purpose – at least thats the impression he gives me. All he does is, come in, take a seat (un-invited again), and start yapping away. Talks boatloads of stuff … abt everything under the sun … from the computer on my desk to his college dating days ….utter rubbish … Doesn’t seem to stop the habit, even though I’ve conveyed it to him that I’m not interested in talking … Seems like he doesn’t want to leave me alone … Keeps coming back every now and then for some stupid “small talk”.

Have you ever come across a person who needs appears to shun company? A person who loves quiet conversations with close friends and confidantes about feelings or ideas …. can give a dynamite presentation to an audience of a hundred people, but appears very uncomfortable in groups and awkward at making small talk? A person who has to be dragged (kicking and screaming) to parties and then keeps whining about it for a long while thereafter? Who is not at ease with the concept of being accosted with pleasantries by acquaintances or even unknown people who are just trying to be nice? If you answered yes to these questions, you are dealing with an introvert …

The common reaction to such people is, to label that person as “too serious,” aloof, rude and perhaps even arrogant. Introverts are among the most misunderstood groups in the world. I know, because I am an introvert.

Now whats wrong with me ? After all, I am gifted with pretty decent social skills. I am not a misanthrope. And I am far from shy. I love to have long intellectual conversations dealing with intimate thoughts and passionate interests, especially with people that I am close to. But its just that I’m averse to indulging in meaningless banter with strangers and acquaintances that I don’t know well enough.

Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened in social settings; introverts generally are not. Neither are introverts misanthropic. Rather, introverts are people who find strangers to be tiring. Now this isn’t antisocial. Its not a sign of depression. Introvertism doesn’t call for medical attention. The only thing it calls for is to leave the introverts to be alone with their thoughts.

Most extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome (like the aforesaid guy). They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone …. indeed, they often take offense at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to yapping.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain.

I wish it will not be impolite to say … “I’m an introvert. You are a nice person and I like you. But right now … would you please shut the f*** up ?”

Hello World

Back to square one in blog-land. Right now, my inventory of ideas is devoid of any useful matter.

I could write about this pall of gloom that’s settled over me. I’m gloomy and I’m pulling myself out of it by promising myself I’ll stay upbeat. It’s working, but not as well as I would like it to. Alright, no point in spreading the gloom, and let me assure you that its pretty contagious at times. I need a little magic to get me started.

Until then, stay tuned ….